20 minute workout

There have been many times when in the middle of the day; I have ‘found’ hidden items in my clothing such as underpants or socks stuffed in a pant leg. I have gone out wearing my slippers because I have simply forgot to put shoes on. I think we have all gone to school or work with our clothes on inside out or backwards and I regularly wear two different socks because I can never find the mate and we all know the joke of the woman leaving the bathroom with a few squares of t.p. stuck to her shoe. These things are tolerable and even typical for most of us (well at least for me) … yesterday however was a different story. Bare with me.

I am growing out my hair and right now it’s going through a awkward stage. It looks bad up, it looks bad down. It’s just generally very bad hair. Yesterday morning, I was at my wits end with my hair so I put it up with 2 bobby pins and headed off to work. Mid-day I was working when my hair fell over my face. I tried to put it back up and noticed that I had lost one of my bobby pins. I found a rubber elastic in my desk (yes, very chic I know) and was good to go… no problem. After work, my daughter and I went tobogganing. We took the dogs and went for a walk to the back fields and had a great time. When I was a little kid, I would toboggan for hours.... slide down the hill, trudge up the hill. No problem. I am older now, and a little beefier and walking up the hill is far more arduous. By the end of our playing I was pooped. My legs and butt hurt! We went home, made dinner , did homework, watched American Idol blah blah blah.

About 9:30 I really started to notice the ache in my legs and butt from the exercise. I stood up and stretched convinced that because of my 40 minutes of sliding I now had legs of steel and an arse so firm a quarter could quite handily bounce off it. I told Jason about my new ass – quite surprised that he hadn’t already noticed the difference on his own – and when he looked at me quizzically, I grabbed hold of a cheek and told him to find a quarter so I could demonstrate the coin bouncing, quite confident and cocky in my newly developed buttocks and Suzanne Sommers thigh-master legs. Much to my dismay however, instead of proving that I should be on an at home workout video with people enviously throwing coins at me and ducking from the ricochet… guess what I discovered instead? Anyone???

The freaking bobby pin! I had a bobby pin, hiding out in the crack of my ass all day! Well, you can imagine my shock. Jason started laughing. Like that laugh that where you lose all control of your muscles and collapse into a heap. I could not understand HOW I walked around all day with a bobby pin lodged in my ass. And then it occurred to me. I do not have firm buttocks. I have buttocks that permit me to walk around all day, unaware that a foreign object is jammed between my cheeks. Needless to say, for the rest of my life whenever anyone in my house needs and extra hand to carry anything, the question will be posed to me: ‘Leona, do you mind carrying this for me”? It will then be followed by gales of laughter. I must accept this fact if I am to continue living with my family.

So, the next time any of us leaves our house in our slippers, goes to work feeling a little less than ‘put together’ or is teased for wearing a sweater inside out... go into the bathroom and check your ass. If you find nothing there be grateful. Walk out into your office with your mis-buttoned head held high knowing that there are definitely worse things than discovering a wayward nylon stocking stuck in your pant leg.