Unrest of the '& Guest'

Last week, using the Happy Aquarium application on Facebook, Jason sent me a message in a bottle indicating that I have a very dirty tank. It was ended with a winking semi-colon/left bracket ;). As a result of his lame-o, albeit sweet attempt at flirty innuendo I fell in love with him all over again. As you may have surmised, I am not much of a traditional romantic and most things floral or Hallmarkie are typically met by me with a snicker or a guffaw; its not that I am opposed to romance as a concept, I just have an issue when it comes in the form of a rhyming haiku or overpriced foliage.

That being said, as you know, the season for weddings is currently in full swing. Keeping in line with my deep-rooted sardonic attitude towards all things requiring an up-do, I find myself thinking not about the momentary heartfelt proclamations of everlasting love and devotion wildly buzzing around like irritating mosquitoes, but about the ‘& Guest’, (i.e. Mr. Gerrard Butler & Guest are cordially invited… ) who attend the nuptials.

How does someone find themselves in the unique position of becoming an ‘& Guest’ you ask? Typically it happens close to the beginning of a relationship, or else you would have your actual name on the invite. Couples have approached the stage where the woman is pretty sure he will call after work but have not yet entered the phase where she has stopped automatically assuming he wants to break up with her if he forgets or is a bit late with the dialling. In my experience, the conversation where the invitation is extended to become an ‘& Guest’ has generally gone something like this:

Him: Oh hey, I have a wedding next weekend. You wanna come with me?
You: What kind of wedding?
Him: The kind where people get married
You: Will I know anyone?
Him: How do I know who you know?
You: What are you wearing?
Him: Pants
You: What should I wear?
Him: um, something that makes you look hot!
You: Helpful. Thanks.

Now, as most women know being an ‘& Guest’ at a wedding is a double edged sword; a colossal pain in the ass but also an opportunity like no other to show off your unique brand of sparkle. Where else in the world do you get to stuff yourself into a pair of Spanx, toss on your best poly-blend dress and sashay your way into the hearts of your new b.f.’s friends and family in one foul swoop, proving how much (prettier) more compatible you are with him than his last girlfriend? Being an ‘& Guest’ is similar to a job interview but with whimsical mini bubbles, garish floral bouquets and horse drawn carriages decorated in white tulle… and a lot of automobile honking. Weddings, unlike job interviews, are typically very horny affairs.

Besides looking like a tastefully dressed vamp, there are still a few key elements to be aware of in order to fitfully survive the ordeal of attending wedding as an ‘& Guest’. More importantly than feigning the appropriate amount of swooning over the giant back-side bow on the bride’s poufy gown or looking acceptably moved for the customary ‘first kiss’ an ‘& Guest’ must also be able to pull out all the stops at the reception. .

Successful ‘& Guests’ can never look up and wave to the ceiling when the groom sends out a weepy shout-out to recently deceased Aunt Enid who is with everyone ‘in spirit tonight’. They cannot look around for the hidden Candid Camera film crew when the brother of the bride threatens the groom to ‘be nice to his sister or else’ and a proper ‘& Guest’ must not, under any circumstances, drink more than 2 glasses of wine during speeches. This rule is especially important to remember during the Maid of Honour address where there is a lot sobbing as she nostalgically recounts every waking minute of her relationship with the beautiful bride, noting several times that they have ‘been through so much together’. (Once during a particularly difficult personal ‘& Guest’ experience the Maid of Honour’s speech started out like this, “ My relationship with [the bride] has been like a book. Chapter one: Kindergarten…”. By Chapter 8: High School Prom, the taffeta-clad speaker was so overcome with emotion by her recount of childhood inspired memories that she was weeping inconsolably and wiping snot from her nose. I, on the other hand, was overwhelmed by the idiocy and sloshed on the freebie homemade wine that was sitting unguarded on the table. I found myself laughing like a hyena and had to leave the room before I peed myself. Chapter nine: Accidentally drunk ‘& Guest’!)

An ‘& Guest’ must be the best soberish, small-talking, Bird-Dancing, bouquet catching, glass-clinking, stranger wedding speech enduring dynamo in the room. A pretty hefty responsibility I’d say.

Looking ahead, I think a section in the planning guides and the overpriced magazines should be devoted exclusively to ensuring the ‘& Guest’ needs are taken care of. Perhaps a nice generic Calvin and Hobbes or Far Side comic could be tossed into the photo montage slideshow, maybe at the designated seating for the ‘& Guest’ there could be a word search or Sudoku puzzle book to keep them amused or at the very least, recognition in the wedding program would be nice. Something along the lines of this: ‘Thank-you to all the ‘& Guests’ for attending our wedding today. We tried to put cheap things on the registry, that we will likely just return, so you could easily meet social etiquette standards without breaking the bank. We hope you enjoy your chicken dinner.”

I think my aversion to weddings stems from my belief that it’s not really possible to pre-plan the best day of your life. Is it possible though to set yourself up to be the best damn ‘& Guest’ in the history of weddings; weddings can be your day to shine. Everyone is looking at you, talking about you and evaluating the kind of mate you will be for your partner. When you look weddings this way, the day really is all about you and your aforementioned sparkle. Well, kinda.